Are you are feeling stuck in your communication with your spouse? Are you frequently in arguments, shouting matches, or passive-agressive snarkiness? Does basic communication blow up into unnecessary fights? Have you’ve lost trust, friendship, and intimacy? (As I write this, I’m aware that this paragraph sounds like a bad infomercial that might end with “ask your Pastor if forgiveness is right for you!”)

But if that is you, what can you do today to turn that around?

Many areas of repentance or faithful obedience may be necessary, but one thing that is absolutely crucial is learning to confront sin and expectations well.

Let’s say that you are still in your usual rut. You go home and something dumb begins to turn into an argument. The “you nevers” and “you always” start to come out along with deep sighs and eye rolls. What do you do? Do you elevate the situation and go on the defensive with some name calling and eye rolling of your own? Do you play the victim and start to complain? Do you storm off to signal that you don’t care?

Galatians 6:1-2 says, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

One thing that you can do to start turning things around is to respond to conflict when you are fit to do so, when you have kept watch on your own self and can restore the relationship in a spirit of gentleness.

You aren’t matching fire for fire. You aren’t melting into a puddle of victimhood. You aren’t abdicating and ignoring. You have enough stability in Christ to be patient.

If in the moment of conflict you are enraged, you aren’t qualified to engage yet. So don’t. Kindly acknowledge the problem and then come back to it with a cool head and heart.

Here’s how that might look:

You come home and ask your spouse how she is doing. She’s a little chilly already because it was a busy and difficult day and her guard is up with you because of the lack of trust and affection. You start to talk about something that you want to do one night next week with some friends, but she starts to be exasperated by you. You didn’t check the calendar that she keeps on the fridge and that night one of the kids needed a ride to a game. She’s mad because she works hard on the calendar and planning and you don’t seem to care. You’re upset that she talks to you like a scolding mother, and neither of you ever follow up situations like this one with forgiveness and apologies. Small interactions like this one that dig the pit ever deeper have become the norm.

What does learning how to navigate conflict well mean here? What does Galatians 6:1-2 teach?

First, take a step back. Give no more fuel to any fires. Pray and think.

But don’t wait too long. Don’t let it linger for days. In fact, don’t let the sun go down on your anger (Eph. 4:26).

Here’s the heart of what it’s like to turn your ship in a different direction.

Go back to your spouse later that evening when you are cooled down and approach the subject again. Don’t start with an accusation or a complaint or whining. You might say something like this: “I want to talk with you about what happened earlier today. I’m confused that what I said made you so angry. I’m genuinely interested in understanding. What did I miss?”

Hopefully, if this is done in an earnest and calm way, the tension is diffused and your spouse will answer those questions honestly. You are showing that you care about them.

But what about offenses? Take this opportunity to talk about those, too.

After listening to why they felt that they needed to lash out the way they did, try pressing in with something like this:

“If I hear you correctly, you are frustrated at me because it doesn’t seem like I hear you or pay attention to the effort you put into making the calendar. That I didn’t consider anyone else that day. Is that right?”

Let’s say she says yes.

If there needs to be an apology, then do it. If you want to bring a clean slate in your home and if you want to turn from bitterness to forgiveness, show them the way. You might respond this way:

“Thank you for keeping our home organized. I’m sorry that I overlooked your work. I was focused on my tasks and I left you alone in the planning of things. I also want to ask, why did you try to tell me this in the way that you did today? Why did you feel that you needed to shout and jab at me?”

She may respond, “Because you don’t listen. You ignore me when I say things and I have to repeat them all the time. I shouldn’t have said what I said—it was a frustrating day anyway. And you’re sometimes so sensitive, acting like everything I say to you is a dig or a jab at you. Sometimes I’m just exhausted.”

Here’s how to tie the bow on things. Here’s how you can respond:

“It’s true that I don’t listen sometimes. I have a negative outlook on our interactions and I tune you out. I’m sorry. I don’t want to do that anymore and I don’t want to signal to you that you are annoying or below my attention. I also don’t want us to communicate like we did today anymore. I am committed to not blowing up and shouting or being passive-aggressive. I want our home to go a different direction. I don’t want our kids to hear us talking like that, and I don’t want our communication to assume the worst in each other. Me ears are open to you; you don’t have to wrestle with me in order to be heard. I don’t want to be talked to like that. Will you change your approach with me?”

Hopefully, your spouse asks for forgiveness too. You may or may not get an apology, but you are working towards showing them the way. It’s called leadership.

“Let’s turn a different direction with communication in our home. From now on, when things need to be confronted, let’s give the situation some space and then come together like this to talk in good faith.”

Here’s a couple of things to look out for:

1. Self-differentiation. It might seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes you need indifference before you can grow closer. Not indifference to the person, but indifference as an emotional tether. You need to be able to step away from arguments, resentment and bitterness. Don’t harbor these things and work over conversations in your mind. Step back and pray. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Don’t walk back into the situation ready to fight and be defensive, come back ready to serve and lead. The short version: Don’t be emotionally manipulatable. Don’t be easily offended. Don’t grow bitter. Engage, serve, lead, see the far horizon and make plans to get there. Who upholds you in these seasons of loneliness? The Lord.

2. Many things might not be your fault, but they are your responsibility. Don’t sit around waiting for apologies. Did Jesus deserve to die on the cross? No, we did. Was sin His fault or ours? It was ours. But who took the responsibility for it? He did. In the same way, your home will always be filled with friction and collisions of sin, many of which will come from you, but not all of them. But you need to take responsibility, even if you weren’t at fault. You need to engage in restoration without being passive or a blame-shifter.

3. Don’t make everything confrontation worthy. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. What we outlined above is a situation that deserved engagement. There was a pattern of speech and poor communication and sin that needed to be addressed. But if you make every situation into one that needs to be addressed in that way, you will exasperate your relationships. Most things need to simply be covered by love and forgotten. Don’t address every raised eyebrow, dirty dish in the sink, or cold response. Confront the things that really matter, that are bad patterns of sin and separation, things that you want to change the outcome of your family and relationship.

4. Get to the heart of the matter and listen well. The shouting and the offense is just a symptom of a deeper issue (see James 4). Getting to the heart of the matter in our situation above was when the husband asked questions and then tried to put the situation in the words of his wife. “If I hear you correctly” or “If I understand you rightly, you are saying this…x,y,z.” See if you can put their contentions with you into words that they would recognize.

5. Set a positive vision. Instead of using words of blame, try to use words of positive vision. Instead of “You always talk down to me” (which might be true!), you may ask “How can we communicate love and respect to one another more? I want you to feel that I am paying attention. I want to feel respect and love from you. What can we do to signal that to one another?”

This may seem like a lot of work and a lot of thoughtfulness. Where is the opportunity to body slam you spouse for being a jerk? Well, you can always stay bitter and alone.

Get after it.