It is a good and biblical practice to spend time naming and confessing your sins before the Lord.

“I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah”
(Psalm 32:5, ESV)

It can be easy to believe that sin is forgiven only if it is specifically named in minute detail—as though you must hunt down every single instance of transgression and confess each one explicitly for forgiveness to occur. What if you forget some? Are those forgiven? Yes—if you trust in Christ as your Savior. Scripture nowhere teaches that we must name every thought or act of sin for it to be forgiven. Still, the habit of searching your heart and life, uncovering as much as you can, remains spiritually helpful.

• “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” (Colossians 2:13–14, ESV)

• “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, ESV)

• “as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12, ESV)

As Christians, the deeper we look into the recesses of our own hearts, the more clearly we see the boundless richness of God’s grace toward us. Outside of Christ, greater introspection only breeds greater despair about ourselves and the world. In contrast, a believer’s self-examination should never lead to depression; it should lead to profound hope and joy, knowing that God’s love has covered a multitude of sins.

David provides an excellent example. In Psalm 139 he prays,

“Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!”
(Psalm 139:23–24, ESV)

The reality is that God already knows every one of your sins—He does not need you to inform Him. Confession helps us to see things that we have hidden away or were blind to before. It should be a practice that leads to praise.

David again illustrates this beautifully in his confession after his sin with Bathsheba:

“Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.”
(Psalm 51:1–13, ESV)

True confession leads to a clean heart, a renewed spirit, restored joy in salvation, a willing spirit, and a growing desire to tell others of God’s grace.

(This post is adapted from the growth focus teaching on forgiveness)

Our focus text is:

"Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" (Matthew 18:21–22, ESV)

Forgiveness is one of those windows into the glory of God that is arrestingly beautiful. It's as potent as gunpowder when you see it or experience it in a home or a marriage or in parenting or among friends.

Because we live among people who can and do sin, we have the opportunity to forgive a lot. But we often don't, or we let unforgiveness pile up and sour into bitterness and passive-aggression, or just good 'ole fashioned aggression, and the hell scape of resentment.

If forgiveness is withheld, or if apologies and repentance never come, when those conversations and exchanges never happen, no matter how much you love your spouse of your kids, the relationships suffer a separation. The child that you love so deeply or the spouse or friend, will put up defenses and barriers to interact with you. We often don't know how to forgive well: what to say or how to say it, or what to do, or we feel that we have reached a limit of our grace and can give no more.

Unforgiveness is where many people live with quiet misery—either they can't give it, or haven't been given forgiveness and they live with those who keep a record of wrongs. The world is the walking wounded with the scars of sin that never healed well, or are walking around with an open wound that gets nicked every day—unforgiveness that never started healing.

Today, in view of our growth focus, we are going to talk about the principles of forgiveness, and then work our way to some practices of forgiveness.

Principles and Practices

We will ask a few questions:

Did you deserve forgiveness? Who deserves it?

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6–8, ESV)

"For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." (Romans 5:10, ESV)

"For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him." (Colossians 1:19–22, ESV)

No! There is nothing in scripture about our deserving forgiveness. When the forgiveness of God was given, it was when we were weak, sinners, hostile, and enemies.

There is a great principle here for us to hold onto:

You might think that forgiveness is impossible. Impossible for yourself or impossible to give to others for some reason. But what we learn from Christ is that the inexcusable is not unforgivable.

In fact, that's the very grounds for forgiveness. If it wasn't inexcusable then it wouldn't need forgiveness. By definition the things that need to be forgiven are inexcusable. So many people get caught up here thinking that they can't forgive because the offense was inexcusable. You are missing what forgiveness essentially is. And this is how you have been loved. God reconciled us to Himself and gave us a ministry of reconciliation.

There are ghastly things that we do to each other in this world. But it will be a glorious and strange sight one day to see some of the stories of God's grace that He writes through forgiveness. The Apostle Paul and those he murdered rejoicing together in heaven. What a wonderful and curious sight it would be to see those types of relationships restored here and now. That's how it should be. That's a dramatic result of our understanding and obedience to the gospel.

Jesus is teaching us that this type of radical forgiveness comes from meditation on being radically forgiven. Over and over again, the Bible pins us down in our sins. It gives us no options but forgiveness through Christ. None of our cases are special and different; all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But the Bible is also relentless in the assurance of our pardon if we are in Christ. All can be washed clean, and all made well. All taken care of—past sins, present circumstances, and future security. God is wholly and marvelously good to those who trust in Him and come to Him for salvation.

Take a look and meditate on these promises of pardon. Let not your hearts be troubled, and make sure that you keep short accounts with your neighbor.

"And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him." (Colossians 2:13–15, ESV)

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Corinthians 5:21, ESV)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:1–2, ESV)

"My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world." (1 John 2:1–2, ESV)

"For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." (Romans 6:7–11, ESV)

The Glory of Forgiveness

A key element here is to enjoy and relish in God's forgiveness in your own life. Marvel at how gracious God is to wipe our offenses away. Satan is an accuser, but God is not. Marvel in how He heals our scars well. They don't remain upon us as monuments to our shame, they are wiped away, and we are clothed now in His righteousness (Isa. 61:10).

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." (Isaiah 61:10, ESV)

We are to marvel in Him and then to imitate Him.

As the Lord Has Forgiven You

"Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." (Colossians 3:13, ESV)

Our Growth Focus Verse Set in Context

The obligation to give it to others — Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18)

"Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.'" (Matthew 18:21–35, ESV)

The Magnitude of our forgiveness. We are to see it as a scandal that we can't forgive. We should see it for the hypocrisy and hellishness that it is.

Some will go to hell because of their unforgiveness:

"And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:34–35, ESV)

Sometimes it goes undetected, but Jesus taught us to think about this often when we pray the Lord's prayer.

The Trap in the Lord's Prayer

When Jesus teaches the disciples how to pray, he gives them a bit of a trap at the end of the Lord's prayer. He says,

"And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." (Matthew 6:12, ESV)

And right after the prayer—the immediate next verse in context are these words from Jesus:

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14–15, ESV)

What would forgiveness for your sins look like if you were only forgiven to the degree that you forgive the people who have sinned against you? Would all of your sins be forgiven? Only a few of them? Would your offenses keep coming up in conversation and hang heavy over everything you did?

In essence, Jesus is saying that if you have been given lavish mercy, and if you want to enjoy that lavish mercy, then that mercy demands that you show it to others, even if they have genuine offenses against you. After all, forgiveness doesn't mean anything unless there are actual offenses that need forgiving.

Principles Recap

Do you deserve it? No.

What is inexcusable is not unforgivable.

We must forgive others.

Hopefully you know and agree to these principles, but it is good to be reminded of them and the severity of them—we often don't live under the full weight of them. But where we very frequently miss the mark is on the practical applications of forgiveness—what it looks like and sounds like. That's what we will consider for our remaining time.

Practical Considerations

Using Accurate Language in Forgiveness

We must learn to tell the truth when we seek forgiveness. We need to use biblical language instead of euphemisms or excuses. The truth is much more ugly—it exposes what is really going on, but it also highlights the grandeur of forgiveness when it is sought and given.

Example:

What do we often hear when asking for forgiveness?

"I'm sorry you feel bad. I was tired when I came in the door, and there was really bad traffic today and I have a headache...."

You see what that is? It's concealing and deflecting and excuse making.

An honest confession might sound like this:

"Please forgive me for what I said to you. I knew it would hurt you—that's why I said it. In that moment, I wanted you to feel bad. There is no excuse; please forgive me?"

"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." (Proverbs 28:13, ESV)

"For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,' and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah" (Psalm 32:3–5, ESV)

Illustration: Esau seeking repentance with tears but not receiving it—excuses versus the truth. Using accurate, biblical language to define our sins.

This is not only a good practice among our relationship to others, but necessary in our relationship to God. Our weekly confession of sin, and the confessions that we offer in private prayer, should not be vague generalities when scripture shows us where we have sinned. We should name them the way that God names them and then rest in how that particular ugliness has been washed clean.

The Transaction of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a debt that we owe. We know that from the principle—that we owe that to God for his forgiveness to us and we owe it to others. But sometimes we will owe more than just words.

We are also to make restitution.

"But if it is stolen from him, he shall make restitution to its owner." (Exodus 22:12, ESV)

"He shall confess his sin that he has committed. And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong." (Numbers 5:7, ESV)

New Testament examples:

"And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, 'Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.'" (Luke 19:8, ESV)

"If he has wronged you at all, or owes you anything, charge that to my account. I, Paul, write this with my own hand: I will repay it—to say nothing of your owing me even your own self." (Philemon 18–19, ESV)

How often do you see this in the exchanges of forgiveness? The principle is clear—if you steal or break something, you need to restore it, plus some.

But let's say that you have lingered in bitterness for a long time with a spouse and have used your words and expressions to tear down, to berate, and to be critical and unforgiving. Do you need to just apologize? Yes, as a start. But you also need to think about how the Bible teaches us about restitution. I would argue that repentance would now demand using your words to build, support, and encourage.

Think about restitution—where can I apply when I am called to forgiveness?

Preparing to Give

Obviously, breaches in relationships cause rifts that separates fellowship. So what do you do when you want to forgive someone but they aren't coming around you, won't talk to you, or engage with you? You want to get it off of your chest—you need to act—but they aren't coming around to settle accounts? They aren't answering the phone. They aren't coming over to your house. What do you do?

A good practical tip to keep in mind is preparation to give. Think about the way that the Bible speaks about God's plan for our redemption. He planned it before the foundation of the world. He wasn't just thinking about it when the time came—He anticipated it and planned on it. The same is seen in the parable of the Prodigal Son. The father was ready to run when the son came over the horizon.

Have the gift of forgiveness and repentance gift-wrapped and ready the next time to you see them. Don't wait to see if it will happen. Don't go to the next Christmas lunch and gauge to see if the conversation goes right. Be ready. Scripture teaches us to

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." (Colossians 3:12–14, ESV)

Keeping Short Accounts

One of the key ways to prevent scars in your lives and relationships is to practice steady maintenance. If you do nothing, entropy will take over. If you never clean, the house becomes a barn. For many, forgiveness is only a subject they think about when there is so much relational trash on the floor that they can't move or walk or think anymore without having to run into it. And by that time, the problem seems too big to address.

In another helpful illustration I've heard Doug Wilson use is that of two houses.

Imagine there are two houses in a neighborhood that are right next to each other. Both families have the same number of kids, they all play sports, and they all have busy schedules. But one of the houses doesn't pick up after themselves. When the meals are over they plates remain on the counter or in the sink. The beds are left un-made. The towels are thrown on the floor, etc., etc. In this house, there is constant tension as everyone dodges and dances around the mess, and everyone is forced to deal with the stress of clutter and chaos until it eventually reaching its breaking point or they become hoarders who are buried under their selfishness. But right next door, the house is peaceful—the kids are playing and mom and dad have a good relationship. When dinner is over the plates go in the dish washer, the towels are picked up, and the milk is put back into the fridge. They clean up as they go, turning small acts of responsibility into great peace.

Many homes relationally are like the first home. Spills and messes are made that are never addressed and never picked up. They linger and fester and cloud the relationships with an oppressive odor. But Jesus tells us that we are to forgive even seven times in a day if necessary. We are to keep short accounts and deal with issues quickly. This may mean being willing to forgive when it is asked of us, but this will often require us to seek out forgiveness ourselves, or "cover or confront" other issues. Whatever picking up that mess or cleaning those dishes looks like relationally, keeping short accounts is required.

Forgiveness: It's as Easy as C, C, C

A nice set of relational tools to keep handy are the 3 C's of forgiveness. There are two that you can do and one that you should never do.

1) Cover

Most offenses simply need to be covered. 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." Our love should be patient and kind, not fickle and overly sensitive to offenses. No one likes to walk on eggshells through the house of the easily offended.

What does it mean to be covered? It means that you don't bring it up at all or three weeks later when you erupt over something else. You don't give a deep sign that everyone can hear, and you don't raise your eyebrows and stare with disgust; you just let it go. Probably 90 percent of the squabbles in relationships need to run off like water on a duck's back and never become an issue to begin with. Be slow to anger. Hope all things. Consider others more significant than yourself.

2) Confront

The other 10 percent of offenses should be looked at frankly and dealt with. This means that you acknowledge the offense frankly and earnestly seek to get right before God and your neighbor (or spouse, or kids, etc.). Confronting should be done in a time when you are qualified to do so (Gal. 6:1), and not in the heat of the moment when you are raging like a she bear. It should be modeled after Jesus' instruction for restoration in Matthew 18, with the goal of repair and rebuilding the relationship, not simply 'winning' the argument or beating the other person down until they acknowledge and feel shame for all of their sins.

A lot of people cannot do this well. Their emotions are in the driver's seat, and they can't confront without attack, or they are too scared of being vulnerable enough to discuss offenses (received and given) with a patient and charitable attitude. The easy thing is to fume, never deal with anything, and become passive-aggressive.

Which brings us to the one C that we should never do.

3) Complain

When there are offenses and sins, you should really avoid complaining. There is no situation where it is helpful. Self-pity is gross and manipulative. Telling everyone about how frustrated you are at another person is gossip and usually slander. Griping is the road that leads straight to bitterness, misery, and, for some reason, lots of cats (I'm kidding). It does no one any good and offers no power to change the situation. If it feels good to you to whine, it's because you have an inflated sense of self and desperately want others to know how fragile and insufferable you are.

The Bible makes sense of the world outside of us—and the world inside of us.

It tells the truth about what we can see: our relationships, our habits, our neighborhoods, our work, our pressures, our temptations. And it tells the truth about what we often can’t see clearly: our motives, our desires, our restlessness, our pride, our envy, our self-justifying stories. The Scriptures interpret our lives with a severe mercy—refusing to flatter us, and refusing to leave us without hope.

That is why Galatians remains such a needed letter for the church. It is fierce, but it is healing. It is sharp, but it is tender. It is about the ever-present human impulse to drift away from Christ as the source—and to rebuild our confidence somewhere else.

A simple summary of the message of Galatians might be this often used phrase:

We are saved by faith alone—but not by a faith that is alone.

Paul fights for justification by faith with a holy stubbornness. But he also insists that saving faith is living faith that produces a new kind of person. That is where our devotional focus lands today: life in the Spirit, or in Paul’s words, “keeping in step with the Spirit.”

The main text

Galatians 5:25–26 (ESV) — “If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.”

If we live by the Spirit—if our life is sourced in Him, given by Him, sustained by Him—then we must also walk by the Spirit. The Christian life is not only a miracle that happens to us; it is a path we walk.

And notice where Paul goes immediately: not to private mystical experiences, but to relationships. “Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” When we step out of sync with the Spirit, one of the first places it shows up is the way we treat people.

So how do we keep in step with the Spirit?

To answer that, it helps to ask a deeper question: Who is the Spirit to Paul? Not as an abstract doctrine, but as the living, personal God at work in the Christian.

The Spirit in Paul’s greeting

At first glance, Paul’s greeting to the Galatians sounds like it highlights the Father and the Son.

Galatians 1:3–5 (ESV) — “Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to deliver us from the present evil age…”

You might ask: Where is the Holy Spirit in that greeting?

The Spirit is not absent at all—because the Spirit is the One who personally brings and applies “grace and peace” to us. The Father plans salvation. The Son accomplishes salvation. The Spirit applies salvation—making it real in us, not merely true in principle.

That means the fruit of the Spirit is not a detached moral “to-do list.” It is a description of what God Himself produces in a person when He takes up residence there. When love grows in you, that is not merely “you trying harder.” It is Christ in you by His Spirit. When joy grows, it is Christ in you. Peace, patience, kindness—these are not simply traits; they are evidences of a new life.

Something is being renovated. A new birth. New desires. A new appetite.

The war inside: Spirit against flesh

Paul says it plainly:

Galatians 5:17 (ESV) — “For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh…”

So if you are a Christian, you should not be surprised that you experience conflict. You should not interpret every struggle as hypocrisy. Some struggles are the very evidence that a deeper work is happening.

J.C. Ryle captured this tension by saying: “a true Christian is marked not only by peacewith God, but also by war within. Not war that excuses sin, but war that refuses to make peace with it”

And C.S. Lewis echoes the same when he says, “religious feelings can be deceptive. You can feel stirred, enlightened, even moved—while your actual conduct remains unchanged. In other words, “feeling better” is not the same thing as actually becoming healthier.”

So the Spirit changes our appetite. He doesn’t merely adjust our emotions; He redirects our desires. He doesn’t merely inform our minds; He reforms our lives.

But this raises a crucial pastoral concern:

If we emphasize “walking,” “battle,” and “fruit,” will people start thinking we are earning our salvation?

Paul would say: only if you confuse justification and sanctification.

Justification and sanctification: don’t confuse the gifts

We need clarity here, because confusion here creates either pride or despair.

Ryle helpfully distinguished these two realities (and we can summarize his points in plain language):

• Justification is God’s legal declaration about you: because of Christ, you are counted righteous—fully, freely, finally.

• Sanctification is God’s transforming work in you: by the Spirit, you are actually being made holy—truly, gradually, imperfectly in this life, but really.

Justification is complete the moment you believe. Sanctification is progressive for as long as you live.

Justification is the basis of your acceptance. Sanctification is the evidence of your renewal.

And the relationship between them matters. Where there is no sanctification, there is no justification. Not because sanctification earns justification, but because the Christ who justifies also sanctifies. Sanctification is never the basis of acceptance—Christ alone is, but it is the inevitable fruit of the faith that justifies.The Spirit who gives life also produces that fruit. A tree that is alive bears fruit—not to become alive, but because it is alive.

A simple illustration helps:

Justification is like a prisoner receiving a full pardon.
Sanctification is that pardoned prisoner learning to live as a free and useful citizen.

The pardon is not earned by the productivity. But productivity will follow true freedom.

So what would it look like to go into battle knowing you will win?

That is the Christian position. The outcome is not in doubt because Christ has already triumphed. But if you refuse to suit up, if you refuse to fight, you will be battered—not because Christ is weak, but because you are trying to live as if the war is optional.

Keeping in step with the Spirit means we fight from victory, not for victory.

A note on assurance: the Spirit as down payment

Sometimes Christians hear “sanctification” and immediately assume God is perpetually disappointed in them, and their assurance begins to leak away. But Paul would say the opposite: the Spirit’s presence is meant to strengthen assurance, not weaken it.

Ephesians 1:13–14 (ESV) — “…you were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance…”

The Spirit is the “down payment” of what is coming. He is God’s pledge that He will finish what He started. So when you see real fruit (however small) do not despise it. It is evidence that God is at work. And when you see real sin, do not pretend it is harmless. Take it to war, because you belong to Christ.

And that brings us back to Galatians:

“If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.”

So what does that look like in practice?

Practically keeping in step with the Spirit

Here are ten guiding principles meant to help us keep in step with the Spirit.

1) Use Scriptural means, not imaginary shortcuts

God grows His people through ordinary channels: Bible reading, prayer, public worship, the Lord’s Supper.
We often look for a hidden lever—some secret trick. But the Lord feeds His people the way He always has: with Word and Sacrament and prayer, in the fellowship of the saints. There is no need to invent a new kind of nutrition when bread still nourishes.

2) Remember where you’re headed

Heaven is not merely “rest.” It is a holy rest. Many want forgiveness, but do not consider whether they actually want holiness. The Spirit prepares us not only to enterheaven, but to enjoy heaven. Strive for holiness, without which we will not see the Lord (Heb. 12:14).

3) Don’t retreat from the world

The Spirit does not turn Christians into spiritual cave-dwellers. He makes us salt and light in real callings: parent, child, employer, employee, neighbor, church member. If your spirituality is producing habitual isolation, simmering resentment, or a constant desire to withdraw from people, that is not the Spirit’s pattern. The fruit of the Spirit is profoundly relational.

Fruit is grown to be eaten, not displayed. People around you are starving for love, joy, peace, patience. God often intends to feed them through your ordinary presence.

4) Obey decisively

Do not wait for perfect desire before you act. Sometimes obedience is the path todesire. Like running: you may want to be healthy and have no desire to run. But as you begin, desire often follows. In the Christian life, obedience can be the seedbed where new affections grow. What has God called you to do? Take up and follow.

5) Act like Jesus in tangible ways

Sanctification is not merely avoiding badness; it is learning active goodness—kindness, generosity, self-denial, practical help. The Spirit conforms us to Christ, not only in what we refuse, but in what we pursue. Following Christ is not a drag, but a light burden, enjoying the Bread of life, and days filled under the steady hand of God’s sovereign mercy.

6) Take every thought captive

2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV) — “…take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
And:
Romans 8:5–6 (ESV) — to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

Repentance is not only turning from actions; it is turning from thought-patterns—arguments, assumptions, mental habits that raise themselves against the knowledge of God, too. As earlier noted: the first degree of holiness is often the decisiveness of repentance.

7) Let the Spirit send you humbly to Christ

Walking in the Spirit does not produce a self-made identity. It produces a Christ-held identity. And it teaches us a crucial humility: the Bible does not train us first to see ourselves as victims seeking vindication, but as sinners needing mercy—whatever our circumstances may be. The Spirit makes us honest, because we are finally safe in Christ. All is made well and all is ok.

8) Expect holiness to grow into happiness

Holiness is not misery. Over time, it becomes a deep happiness the world cannot manufacture. Not a shallow cheerfulness, but a settled peace, a steady conscience, a lighter yoke. The Spirit is not leading you into gloom; He is leading you into freedom.

9) Remember the cross: your past has been crucified

Galatians 5:24 (ESV) — “…have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
Galatians 2:20 (ESV) — “I have been crucified with Christ…”

Keeping in step with the Spirit includes holy memory: you are not who you were. The old mastery has been broken. The flesh still fights, but it no longer reigns. When temptation speaks as if it owns you, answer it with the cross.

10) Take holiness seriously—because God does

Hebrews 12:14 (ESV) — “Strive…for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.”
And the sweep of 1 Peter 1 makes the same point: you were ransomed by Christ’s blood not merely to be forgiven, but to be renewed—to love earnestly, to live differently, to become a holy people.

If the works of the flesh are the settled, defining pattern of your life—and there is no war, no repentance, no growth, no fruit—then you should not soothe yourself with false confidence. Scripture warns us because God loves us.

But if you are fighting, repenting, returning, praying, seeking help, longing to change—even with weakness and many stumbles—take heart. That is often the very sound of the Spirit’s life within you.

Ask for help: the Father gives the Spirit

In Luke 11, Jesus tells a story about bold, persistent asking—someone knocking at midnight because a need is urgent. And then Jesus draws the conclusion:

Luke 11:13 (ESV) — “…how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Keeping in step with the Spirit is not a self-improvement program. It is not gritting your teeth and trying harder to become impressive. It is the life of a child who keeps coming to the Father, asking for what only the Father can give.

So ask. Ask honestly. Ask repeatedly. Ask like someone who has nothing to prove and everything to receive.

Christ has saved you completely—so now He means to remake you steadily.
You fight because you belong to Him.
You walk because you live by His Spirit.
You pursue holiness because you have already been pardoned.
And you ask for help because your Father delights to give it.

A closing prayer

Father in heaven,
We bless You for grace and peace—purchased by the blood of Christ and applied by the Holy Spirit. Forgive us for treating the Christian life as either self-salvation or spiritual passivity. Teach us to fight from victory, to walk in step with Your Spirit, and to bear fruit that feeds those around us. Renew our minds, capture our thoughts, soften our hearts, and make us like Jesus. And as You have promised, give the Holy Spirit to us as we ask—so that Christ would be formed in us, and Your name would be glorified.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts…" (Hebrews 3:15)

The book of Hebrews does not whisper its warnings. It declares them with urgency. Repeatedly, the Spirit says to us, “Do not harden your hearts.” It’s a phrase pulled from Psalm 95, echoing through the wilderness generation that perished outside the Promised Land. And yet, it’s not ancient history. It’s present tense: *Today*, if you hear his voice…

That word—*today*—ought to still our steps. It means this is not just a word for Israel back then, but a word for the church right now. The warning is for those who walk closely with God's people, who participate in worship, who have heard the gospel many times. And still, the temptation remains: the slow callous forming over the heart, the quiet drift from trust to presumption, from faith to familiarity.

What Does a Hardened Heart Look Like?

A hardened heart is not always hostile. Sometimes it’s just indifferent. It’s when the Word of God lands lightly instead of cutting deeply. It’s when conviction fades into defensiveness. It’s when obedience becomes delayed or partial. It’s when you stop listening to the voice of God because you’ve grown used to tuning Him out.

Hebrews tells us that this happens “by the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13). Sin does not announce itself with a warning label. It sneaks in, cloaked in justifications and small compromises. Over time, those compromises calcify. The heart—once soft to God’s Word—grows resistant, like clay that has dried too long in the sun.

Why This Warning Still Matters

We live in an age where everything is vying for our attention—newsfeeds, notifications, and noise. In such a world, the voice of God can seem quiet. But He *is* speaking. Through His Word, by His Spirit, through His people. The real danger is not that we can’t hear Him. The danger is that we hear, and choose not to respond.

Hebrews is brutally honest: not everyone who starts the race finishes it. That’s not to frighten the sincere believer, but to call the complacent one to wake up. To persevere in faith is to keep your heart soft. To listen with urgency. To exhort one another daily. The writer doesn’t say, “Try harder.” He says, “Hold fast.” Keep clinging to Jesus.

How to Keep a Soft Heart

The solution isn’t found in willpower, but in *daily surrender*. Here’s what that looks like:

• Listen carefully -- Let Scripture have your full attention. Read not just to inform your mind, but to expose your heart.

• Confess quickly -- Don’t let sin linger. Bring it into the light. Hardened hearts are formed by layers of unconfessed sin.

• Encourage one another -- Hebrews says we need daily exhortation. Community is one of the Spirit’s main tools for heart-softening.

• Trust Christ -- Ultimately, our hope is not in the strength of our grip, but in the One who holds us fast. Look to Jesus, the Great High Priest, who intercedes for us with perfect sympathy.

Today, Not Tomorrow

There’s a quiet urgency in the word “today.” The window of repentance is open now, but it doesn’t stay open forever. If God is speaking to you—through His Word, His people, or His Spirit—don’t delay.

Don’t assume your heart will always be this tender.

Don’t assume you’ll always *want* to return.

The best time to soften your heart before God is not tomorrow. It’s today.

Are you are feeling stuck in your communication with your spouse? Are you frequently in arguments, shouting matches, or passive-agressive snarkiness? Does basic communication blow up into unnecessary fights? Have you’ve lost trust, friendship, and intimacy? (As I write this, I’m aware that this paragraph sounds like a bad infomercial that might end with “ask your Pastor if forgiveness is right for you!”)

But if that is you, what can you do today to turn that around?

Many areas of repentance or faithful obedience may be necessary, but one thing that is absolutely crucial is learning to confront sin and expectations well.

Let’s say that you are still in your usual rut. You go home and something dumb begins to turn into an argument. The “you nevers” and “you always” start to come out along with deep sighs and eye rolls. What do you do? Do you elevate the situation and go on the defensive with some name calling and eye rolling of your own? Do you play the victim and start to complain? Do you storm off to signal that you don’t care?

Galatians 6:1-2 says, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

One thing that you can do to start turning things around is to respond to conflict when you are fit to do so, when you have kept watch on your own self and can restore the relationship in a spirit of gentleness.

You aren’t matching fire for fire. You aren’t melting into a puddle of victimhood. You aren’t abdicating and ignoring. You have enough stability in Christ to be patient.

If in the moment of conflict you are enraged, you aren’t qualified to engage yet. So don’t. Kindly acknowledge the problem and then come back to it with a cool head and heart.

Here’s how that might look:

You come home and ask your spouse how she is doing. She’s a little chilly already because it was a busy and difficult day and her guard is up with you because of the lack of trust and affection. You start to talk about something that you want to do one night next week with some friends, but she starts to be exasperated by you. You didn’t check the calendar that she keeps on the fridge and that night one of the kids needed a ride to a game. She’s mad because she works hard on the calendar and planning and you don’t seem to care. You’re upset that she talks to you like a scolding mother, and neither of you ever follow up situations like this one with forgiveness and apologies. Small interactions like this one that dig the pit ever deeper have become the norm.

What does learning how to navigate conflict well mean here? What does Galatians 6:1-2 teach?

First, take a step back. Give no more fuel to any fires. Pray and think.

But don’t wait too long. Don’t let it linger for days. In fact, don’t let the sun go down on your anger (Eph. 4:26).

Here’s the heart of what it’s like to turn your ship in a different direction.

Go back to your spouse later that evening when you are cooled down and approach the subject again. Don’t start with an accusation or a complaint or whining. You might say something like this: “I want to talk with you about what happened earlier today. I’m confused that what I said made you so angry. I’m genuinely interested in understanding. What did I miss?”

Hopefully, if this is done in an earnest and calm way, the tension is diffused and your spouse will answer those questions honestly. You are showing that you care about them.

But what about offenses? Take this opportunity to talk about those, too.

After listening to why they felt that they needed to lash out the way they did, try pressing in with something like this:

“If I hear you correctly, you are frustrated at me because it doesn’t seem like I hear you or pay attention to the effort you put into making the calendar. That I didn’t consider anyone else that day. Is that right?”

Let’s say she says yes.

If there needs to be an apology, then do it. If you want to bring a clean slate in your home and if you want to turn from bitterness to forgiveness, show them the way. You might respond this way:

“Thank you for keeping our home organized. I’m sorry that I overlooked your work. I was focused on my tasks and I left you alone in the planning of things. I also want to ask, why did you try to tell me this in the way that you did today? Why did you feel that you needed to shout and jab at me?”

She may respond, “Because you don’t listen. You ignore me when I say things and I have to repeat them all the time. I shouldn’t have said what I said—it was a frustrating day anyway. And you’re sometimes so sensitive, acting like everything I say to you is a dig or a jab at you. Sometimes I’m just exhausted.”

Here’s how to tie the bow on things. Here’s how you can respond:

“It’s true that I don’t listen sometimes. I have a negative outlook on our interactions and I tune you out. I’m sorry. I don’t want to do that anymore and I don’t want to signal to you that you are annoying or below my attention. I also don’t want us to communicate like we did today anymore. I am committed to not blowing up and shouting or being passive-aggressive. I want our home to go a different direction. I don’t want our kids to hear us talking like that, and I don’t want our communication to assume the worst in each other. Me ears are open to you; you don’t have to wrestle with me in order to be heard. I don’t want to be talked to like that. Will you change your approach with me?”

Hopefully, your spouse asks for forgiveness too. You may or may not get an apology, but you are working towards showing them the way. It’s called leadership.

“Let’s turn a different direction with communication in our home. From now on, when things need to be confronted, let’s give the situation some space and then come together like this to talk in good faith.”

Here’s a couple of things to look out for:

1. Self-differentiation. It might seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes you need indifference before you can grow closer. Not indifference to the person, but indifference as an emotional tether. You need to be able to step away from arguments, resentment and bitterness. Don’t harbor these things and work over conversations in your mind. Step back and pray. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Don’t walk back into the situation ready to fight and be defensive, come back ready to serve and lead. The short version: Don’t be emotionally manipulatable. Don’t be easily offended. Don’t grow bitter. Engage, serve, lead, see the far horizon and make plans to get there. Who upholds you in these seasons of loneliness? The Lord.

2. Many things might not be your fault, but they are your responsibility. Don’t sit around waiting for apologies. Did Jesus deserve to die on the cross? No, we did. Was sin His fault or ours? It was ours. But who took the responsibility for it? He did. In the same way, your home will always be filled with friction and collisions of sin, many of which will come from you, but not all of them. But you need to take responsibility, even if you weren’t at fault. You need to engage in restoration without being passive or a blame-shifter.

3. Don’t make everything confrontation worthy. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. What we outlined above is a situation that deserved engagement. There was a pattern of speech and poor communication and sin that needed to be addressed. But if you make every situation into one that needs to be addressed in that way, you will exasperate your relationships. Most things need to simply be covered by love and forgotten. Don’t address every raised eyebrow, dirty dish in the sink, or cold response. Confront the things that really matter, that are bad patterns of sin and separation, things that you want to change the outcome of your family and relationship.

4. Get to the heart of the matter and listen well. The shouting and the offense is just a symptom of a deeper issue (see James 4). Getting to the heart of the matter in our situation above was when the husband asked questions and then tried to put the situation in the words of his wife. “If I hear you correctly” or “If I understand you rightly, you are saying this…x,y,z.” See if you can put their contentions with you into words that they would recognize.

5. Set a positive vision. Instead of using words of blame, try to use words of positive vision. Instead of “You always talk down to me” (which might be true!), you may ask “How can we communicate love and respect to one another more? I want you to feel that I am paying attention. I want to feel respect and love from you. What can we do to signal that to one another?”

This may seem like a lot of work and a lot of thoughtfulness. Where is the opportunity to body slam you spouse for being a jerk? Well, you can always stay bitter and alone.

Get after it.

A dangerous pitfall was present in the early church, as we see in the letter to Titus concerning the church in Crete.

The apostle Paul warned about those who were "insubordinate, empty talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision party" (Titus 1:10). These individuals, while claiming to be followers of Christ, were causing division and leading others astray with their insistence on adhering to certain Jewish traditions.

This scenario serves as a powerful metaphor for our own spiritual lives. Like a vaccine that provides just enough exposure to build immunity without causing the full-blown disease, many of us risk having just enough exposure to the gospel to feel secure, without allowing it to truly transform our lives. We may attend church, use the right language, and even engage in religious practices, but if our hearts remain unchanged, we're missing the point entirely.

The danger of this surface-level faith is that it can actually stand in the way of true salvation. It creates a false sense of security, allowing us to justify living contrary to God's will while still claiming His name. As Paul states, "They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work" (Titus 1:16).

This hypocrisy isn't limited to the ancient church in Crete. We see it manifested in various ways today:

1. Dietary restrictions masquerading as spiritual superiority

2. Educational choices becoming a measure of faithfulness

3. Adherence to specific doctrines or theological positions as a source of pride

4. Political affiliations confused with godliness

5. Church attendance without heart transformation

In each of these cases, we risk replacing the power of the gospel with mere outward appearances of piety. We become like the Pharisees whom Jesus rebuked, saying, "in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men" (Mark 7:7).

The core issue is that these surface-level religious practices often have "an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh" (Colossians 2:23). They may look impressive, but they lack the power to truly change our hearts and lives.

Paul instructs Titus to "rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith" (Titus 1:13). This sharp rebuke isn't about condemnation, but about redirecting hearts back to the singular source of life and hope and salvation - Jesus Christ.

When we truly grasp the gospel, it changes how we view everything. As Paul writes, "To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled" (Titus 1:15). Those who are made right with God through Christ can navigate life with wisdom and gratitude, seeing God's goodness in His creation without being enslaved by it.

This gospel-centered perspective frees us from the burden of constantly trying to validate ourselves through our actions or beliefs, building a scaffolding of additional supports to our justification. Instead of thinking, "I should do this" or "I shouldn't do that" out of a sense of religious obligation, we can approach life with the mindset of "I need not." We need not indulge in the harmful behaviors of sin because we are fulfilled in Christ. We need not indulge in a tempting pleasure because we are done drinking at broken cisterns. We need not fear making mistakes because our justification comes from Him, not our perfect performance.

Living in this gospel freedom doesn't mean we abandon all standards or live recklessly. Rather, it means we approach life with wisdom, guided by the Holy Spirit, and motivated by love for God and others rather than fear or the desire for religious validation.

Examine your own heart. Are there areas where we've allowed surface-level regulations and rules to replace genuine faith? Have we been more concerned with appearing godly in with the right tribe than actually bearing good fruit?

Remember, the gospel bids us to come and die to ourselves, but in that death, we find true life. It demands all of us, but in giving all, we gain everything in Christ. Let's not settle for an inoculation of faith that keeps us just religious enough to feel secure. Let's be done with the scaffolding and instead lean with all of our hearts, soul, mind, and strength on the gospel good news that salvation is not or works but in Christ alone. Let us not try to improve upon that, adding man’s ideas as God’s commands and stripping life of its joy and power.

As we do this, we'll find that our faith is no longer just an outward show, but a force that shapes our character, guides our decisions, and empowers us to live lives that honor God. This is the kind of faith that can withstand scrutiny, impact our world, and bring glory to our Savior.

One of life's single most helpful questions is, "Says who?"

When faced with any truth claim, it's essential to know by what standard that claim is being made. What rules are being applied? What authority does the statement have?

The reason this is so helpful is because we live in an age of half-truths and nebulous creeds. Every day, we see hundreds of platitudes lining our social media pages like a perpetual senior quotes bulletin. To many, these sweet and savory sayings help them get through a tough day or season of life. To others, they become life's rallying cry. But most are about as authoritative as Monopoly money.

Some of the recommendations are great, no doubt, but if you're a Christian, many of the statements meant to encourage your faith are what might be called "truthy." They have the appearance of truth — they smell Christian enough — but aren't rooted in any real authority. To be clear, it's not that all quotes outside of scripture are wrong, but if the feel-good quote of the month doesn't have any true root, then it can't produce any true fruit. They become a low-grade pastiche of scripture.

We want to be people of The Book. In all things, we want the question of "says who" to be answered with "God says." It is scripture, as 2 Timothy 3:16 (ESV) says, that "is authoritative and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness."

With that understanding, let's talk about marriage. In the world of "try this" Christian marriage strategies de jour, are there true and lasting directives for wives and husbands? Is there authoritative advice for the difficult adventure of marriage? The answer is yes, and the advice is timeless, tough, and trustworthy. It's God's word, and it is standard over slogan, principle over platitude.

So, I offer these hard but beautiful gems from Ephesians 5 as an example.

"Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. - Ephesians 5:31-32 (NIV)

Paul is saying that marriage (when a man and wife hold fast to each other) is a profound mystery because it is an explicit reflection of Christ and the church.

In other words, there is a standard or purpose for our marriages, and that purpose is to express and expose the gospel–Christ and his Church.

Our marriages are not aimless endeavors meant to fulfill our personal desires or comfort the years of our troubled lives, but rather, they are a public covenant display of God's beauty in the way he has loved the whole world. The benefits are fruit, not root.

Not only does God say that there is a specific goal for our marriages, but there are specific roles within our marriages, too. The ways are humbling and hard, but they are the only way to do marriage right. They are standard.

In my own marriage, it is often the case that our recurring frustrations (polite for arguments) can usually be traced back to the same essential offenses over and over again. Because men and women are distinct in their creation, yet they are intended to complement each other, our needs are generally different. Like how some cars run on different types of fuel, I, as a man, generally run on the fuel of respect, while my wife runs on the fuel of love. The lowest common denominator in our frustrations can usually be traced back to discord in this area. She can love me well (and she does), but if I feel that she doesn't respect me, then I get discouraged and annoyed. In a similar way, I can respect her how I wish I was respected and neglect to love her well, which has an oversized influence. God's word in Ephesians Five is very helpful here, and it explains the general principle of loving within a marriage relationship and how each party has its unique role to play. God commands us to love in ways that aren't natural to us.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, wives should also submit everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:22-25 (NIV)

Wives, submit. Husbands, die.

Wives, honor. Husbands, love.

The gospel is shocking because holy love willingly sacrifices for the benefit of the undeserved, and our minds can hardly comprehend it.

As husbands, our role in marriage is to imitate Christ. Go and die. Get familiar with the feeling. Quit complaining. Knock off the self-pity and lay our lives down.

What if she is sinful? Should I continue to sacrifice for her? Romans 5:8 tells us Christ did just that.

Wives, your role in marriage is to imitate the Church's willing response to Christ. Submit and be responsive. Honor and serve your home with willing hands, just like the Church models obedience and submission to Christ. Obviously, your husband isn't Christ, but the way you serve him publicly shows what a redeemed life of joyful service looks like.

Do you need to submit to every man this way? No, the text says that this is reserved for our own husbands. Should you serve him if he is being sinful? Yes, outside of sinning to serve your spouse, 1 Peter 3:1-2 says, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your respectful and pure conduct."

Underneath the myriad of sweet strategies and spicy suggestions, there is an ironclad set of unchanging and rugged rules.

God's sacrificial love is most on display in the family. When children watch their fathers joyfully lay their lives down for the people they love, it provides them a frame of reference to understand the gospel. Men model the gospel in the dying.

As a complement to man's love, which is different in its glory, a wife's or mother's glad and willing service, honor, and respect should help us to understand how the Church responds in worship to Christ as we observe her character. Women model the gospel in the living.

There are certain non-negotiable standards in marriage.

Says who? God says.

In a world starving for leadership and guidance, we find ourselves at a crossroads. Our culture is experiencing what can only be described as a crisis of "father hunger." Young men and women are desperately seeking direction, flocking to podcasters, YouTube stars, and other influencers to learn not just practical skills, but how to navigate life itself. They're searching for answers on relationships, work ethic, and purpose.

At the heart of Paul's message is the idea that leadership in a church is led by individuals who have themselves been truly transformed. Leadership is not about implementing the right programs or strategies; it's about being guided by those of the right character.

So what does this character look like?

First and foremost, Paul emphasizes the importance of a leader's home life. This is the proving ground, where the rubber meets the road. A potential leader must be "above reproach" – not perfect, but with a reputation that stands up to scrutiny. Their relationship with their spouse should be one of unwavering commitment and fidelity. And their children? They should be responsive to guidance, not rebellious or uncontrolled.

Why focus on family life? Because, as Tim Chester wisely notes, "If he is domineering in his home, he is likely to be domineering in the church. If he fails to take responsibility in his home, he is likely to shirk responsibility in the church." The home is a microcosm of leadership in action.

But Paul doesn't stop there. He provides a rapid-fire list of qualities, both negative and positive, that should characterize a true spiritual leader. Let's break them down:

Qualities to Avoid:

1. Arrogance: True leaders don't use their position for power or control.

2. Quick temper: They're patient, slow to speak, and quick to listen.

3. Drunkenness: They're not controlled by vices.

4. Violence: Their words and actions are meant to heal, not harm.

5. Greed: They're not in it for personal gain or acclaim.

Qualities to Embody:

1. Hospitality: They genuinely love and serve people.

2. Love of good: Their passions are contagious and focused on what's truly valuable.

3. Self-control: They demonstrate mastery over impulses.

4. Uprightness and holiness: Above all, they're in hot pursuit of God.

5. Discipline: They focus their time and energy on spiritual growth.

6. Sound doctrine: They hold firmly to truth and can both teach and defend it.

John Calvin beautifully captured the dual nature of this last quality when he said a church leader "ought to have two voices: one, for gathering the sheep; and another, for warding off and driving away wolves and thieves."

It's crucial to understand that these qualities aren't just for a select few in leadership positions. They're a call to all of us. The leaders Paul describes are meant to be examples we can follow and emulate. They're not perfect, but they are "above reproach" – living in such a way that accusations don't stick because their character speaks louder than any criticism.

So, what does this mean for us today?

1. We need to recognize and appreciate godly leadership when we see it. If you're blessed to have leaders in your life who embody these qualities, thank God for them. Encourage them. Pray for them. Their work is not easy.

2. We should strive to cultivate these qualities in our own lives. Whether or not we hold an official leadership position, we all influence others. Are we growing in self-control, hospitality, and love for what is good? Are we becoming the kind of people others can look to for guidance and example?

3. We must be discerning about who we allow to influence us. In a world full of voices clamoring for our attention, are we following those who demonstrate godly character? Or are we being swayed by those who may be charismatic but lack the substance of true spiritual maturity?

4. We should create a culture that values and nurtures these qualities. How can we, in our families, churches, and communities, encourage the development of godly character? How can we be part of the solution to the "father hunger" that plagues our society?

The Apostle Paul's words to Titus remind us that true leadership isn't about titles, talents, or techniques. It's about transformed lives that point others to God. It's about becoming the kind of person who can say, as Paul did, "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ" (1 Corinthians 11:1).

Who you are is what you do, not what you intend to do. 

We often desire great virtues like self-control, kindness, and courage or to be rid of great vices like lust, arrogance, and bitterness, but those things are not simply granted; they are built up and strengthened by habits.

Habits, what you actually do day-to-day, define who you are more than your intentions or aspirations. It would be silly to dream about traveling across town to reach home while never taking any steps to get there. Wanting the comfort and stability of home is great, but by taking no steps in that direction, your actions are senseless, fruitless, and faithless. You will spend a lot of time dreaming while you remain far from home. 

Our habits serve as the small steps that take us to our destination. 

But, this can work for the good or the bad. There are some destinations that you don’t want to reach—destinations that certain habits can lead you to.  

Suppose you make a habit of serving others before yourself, even if it comes at some sort of cost. If you take steps of daily faith, throw yourself upon God, and find time and again that He is faithful. If you act with courage daily, it will be in your bones when virtue is needed. You won’t think twice before running into the burning home to rescue those inside. 

The same may go for other examples as well regarding virtue: 

• If you make a habit of fleeing sexual immorality, you won’t flinch when inappropriate images are thrust upon you on the internet. You won’t think about it for the next two days, either. You have made a habit of honor, integrity, and self-control. You will just keep scrolling along joyfully to find what you are looking for. 
• If you habitually hold your tongue and your anger, you won’t find yourself constantly doing damage control, putting out fires that you have set. You will be a source of life and nourishment to those who interact with you.
• If you make a habit of telling the truth, you will build credibility and integrity.

Habits are what support our virtues. Virtues are often our goal and desire, but we frequently neglect the steps to them, steps of faith in our habits. Our reactions can be trained and strengthened by habits.

Alternatively, our vices are also supported by our habits.

• If you daily compromise your eyes and heart in the realm of sexual immorality, it will be no surprise that you fail spectacularly when a trial comes. Don’t be shocked to reach the destination that you have been walking towards daily.
• If you make a habit of passivity and fail to lead yourself and your family, don’t be surprised to find that your leadership is questioned, that people don’t follow you, or that you have compounded the work necessary for future faithfulness.
• If you make a habit of never apologizing, don’t be surprised if your relationships are fragile, shallow, and insecure.
• If you make a habit of wasting time, don’t be surprised to find that you aren’t entrusted with more responsibilities, are always playing catch up, or have the dreaded feeling of being “busy,” but because there is much to be done and not enough getting done.

When the opportunity comes to act with virtue or with vice, the decision is made almost instantly and reflexively, but these responses are trained and disciplined by daily habits over a long period of time.

Our habits also help us to regulate the senses.

What made the Hobbits so resistant to the one ring and its power? They had a culture and a life that didn’t play to the ring’s advantage. The ring was about power and control, something that the Hobbits knew or cared little about. They filled their days with songs, poems, gardening, and enjoying the pub with friends. The ring had little appeal to their trained appetites. To them, the ring was shocking—an evil to be avoided and destroyed, not used.

This is the type of regulation that you want from your habits. You want eyes that look upon the good so that when vulgarity is presented to you, it is seen with instant disgust. The lie doesn’t work well on you. Your habits have trained your senses.

But to someone who constantly inundates themselves with the foul, the irreverent, and the debauched, your senses will be seared.

Maybe all the world will think you silly, backward, and unenlightened, but it is far better to be a Frodo who is trained by innocence and virtue and able to resist than a Boromir trained in power and expedience who cannot resist.

Habits set the norm, alerting us to extremes. If we have habits of vice, God’s grace comes to us as an extreme gift of appealing love — a shocking arousal to holiness and light in our domain of darkness. And if we have habits of faithfulness and virtue, sin will seem shocking, unappealing, and extreme, a ghastly-smelling farce pretending to be food.

Of course, God’s grace is at hand. We ask Him for help and change, and then we take Him at His word in obedience. Here lies the faith behind daily habits. We believe that the small steps of faithfulness, or small steps of resistance, are working with our sanctification--that God is training us in righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16).

Look at who you intend to be and compare that with what you find yourself actually doing—habits that reveal who you truly are. Which direction are your steps actually taking you? Repent where necessary and obey where necessary, building solid habits that are taken with courage and faith.